Canadian Government Agrees to Return Ted Cruz to His Arctic Habitat – October 2016

Canadian Government Agrees to Return Ted Cruz to His Arctic Habitat

Churchill, Manitoba

Canadian conservationists applaud the federal government’s decision to accept Senator Ted Cruz into their arctic wildlife rehabilitation project, but critics say that it’s too late for the Republican candidate to return to the wild. Spokeswoman Misty Froud acknowledged the issue at a Parks Canada press conference earlier this week.

“Reintroducing a wayward Canadian to his natural environment is always risky, and the senator in particular might pose some problems for the local community. Without a healthy fear of humans, Cruz could pose a risk to the people living here in Churchill.”

Local resident Cindy Walker confirmed those doubts. “We’re used to polar bears, they’re just a fact of life here. But I’m worried about Ted Cruz coming around my kids with his neo-conservative agenda.”

Others share her concern, but are cautiously optimistic.

“I believe in tolerance,” says local postmaster Denis McCleary. “Everyone deserves a chance, even if they desert the nation of their birth for tawdry political gain.”  

“The plan is to fly Cruz in via helicopter to a remote area,” Froud explains. “He’ll be under sedation inside his crate, so he won’t be able to impose his homophobic anti-society views on the wildlife experts. They’ll roll him out of his crate while he’s still groggy. If all goes well, his survival instinct will keep him away from populated areas. We’ll be able to track his movements from his radio collar.”

Wildlife authorities are hopeful that Cruz will adapt successfully to the arctic environment, but say they are prepared to consider euthanasia if the senator poses a significant threat to Churchill residents.